“Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” – Nelson Mandela
“Guess what, Mom? I got a 97 on my engineering test – the best grade in class!”
My then 17-year-old daughter bounced into the room, her face glowing with the kind of smile that only accompanies great news. It’s one of those moments that stays with you long after it happens.
I started to launch into my proud speech about her amazing “math brain,” but she quickly cut me off. “Mom, it’s not about being great at math,” she explained. “A lot of kids just gave up when it got tough. I kept trying different approaches until I figured it out.”
Her words lingered in my mind. They sparked thoughts about the role of effort in success, though I didn’t immediately connect it to the idea of perseverance. Over time, I grew curious about how our approach to challenges affects our learning and achievements.
This curiosity eventually led me down an unexpected path. I began exploring ideas about mindset and how our brains work. It’s been a journey that has profoundly shaped my understanding of parenting and education in ways I never expected.
The Power of "I Can Learn This"
During my exploration, I discovered the pioneering research done by psychologist Carol Dweck. She found that believing you can improve through hard work and practice is like having a secret superpower. She calls it a “growth mindset.”
Let’s break it down:
Fixed Mindset
“I’m just not good at this.”
Avoids tough stuff
Gives up when it gets hard
Thinks effort is pointless
Ignores helpful feedback
Feels threatened by others’ success
Growth Mindset
“I can get better if I keep at it.”
Sees challenges as chances to grow
Keeps going when the going gets tough
Knows effort is the key to getting better
Learns from feedback and criticism
Is inspired by others’ success
Nurturing Growth: Simple Ways for Parents to Make a Big Difference
- Praise the Journey, Not Just the Destination: Instead of “You’re so smart!”, try “Wow, I love how you figured that out by trying different ways!”
- The Magic Word: ‘Yet’: When your kid says “I can’t do this,” encourage them to add “yet” at the end. It’s like leaving the door open for future success.
- Be a Growth Mindset Role Model: Share your own stories of tackling tough stuff. Let your kids see you struggle, keep trying, and eventually succeed.
- Make it Safe to Take Risks: Encourage your kids to try new things. Celebrate the effort and what they learned, not just the wins.
Quick Check-In for Parents
Think about a recent challenge your child faced. How did they handle it? How did you respond? Now, imagine facing a similar situation using these growth mindset strategies. What might you say or do differently?
Growth Mindset in Real Life: Everyday Scenarios
- Homework Headaches: When your kid’s frustrated with a tough assignment, help them break it into smaller, bite-sized pieces. Cheer them on for their effort and clever thinking, not just the grade.
- Sports or Arts Setbacks: Didn’t make the team or get the lead role? Help them create a plan to improve. Focus on the skills they can build, not just the immediate outcome.
- Friendship Friction: When they’re dealing with friend drama, guide them to see it as a chance to practice communication and understanding others’ feelings, not as a personal failure.
Remember, changing how we think is a journey, not a quick fix. There will be times when even the most positive kid falls back into that “I can’t” thinking. And that’s okay! By consistently showing them new ways to look at challenges, we’re helping our kids build resilience and a love for learning that’ll serve them well their whole lives.
As you try out these ideas, keep an eye out for those minor changes in how your child tackles tough stuff. Notice when they stick with it longer, when they’re more willing to give something new a shot, or when they see setbacks as chances to learn.
By nurturing this growth mindset in our kids, we’re not just setting them up for good grades. We’re giving them a powerful tool for lifelong learning and growth, preparing them to handle whatever life throws their way.
Fun Family Challenge: This week, try the “Growth Mindset Jar” game. Every time someone in the family shows a growth mindset moment (like tackling a challenge head-on or learning from a mistake), add a small item (like a marble) to a jar. At the end of the week, celebrate all those growth mindset wins together!